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Archive for March 2010

Episode 160: The Replacements

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After last weeks trainwreck, Dave finds replacements for his co-hosts. Joined by PKD Media's Shawn Pryor and The Chad, Dave recounts the spectacle that was Comic Geek Speak's Super Show. Was the convention worth the hype? Who won awards in what can only be described as the Source Awards for comic nerds? Who lived? Who died? And does Dave really hate white people?

Find out here.

Brought to you by Top Shelf's BB Wolf and the 3 LPs.

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Holy crap. In this episode, three years in the making, Brian and Ugly go it alone. Left to flail about in the open water by their Disney loving co-host Dave and their "what is it this week" co-host Grant. Hopefully you can sit through a freeballing explosion that is sure to paralyze you with information...No stone is left unturned in the world of comics, movies and milkaholics. After this you will be begging for... something.

Brought to you by Top Shelf Comics’ BB Wolf and the 3 LP’s.

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ASK: My wife and I used to have sex at least 2-3 times a week, but ever since our first child Stephen was born almost two years ago, the well has run dry. We have sex MAYBE once every other month. Six times a year is not keeping me happy. We fight about it constantly, but nothing seems to help. What should I do?

GRANT: Two words  “The Accommodator”.  (google search that shit with the ‘safe filter’ off…) if this doesn’t get her going man, not much else will!

Now, you’ve neglected to tell me exactly WHY the “well has run dry”…most likely it’s because she’s feeling self conscious and not sexy anymore, well, nothing cures that problem better than a horny pizza delivery boy! WHAT?!? You say. Here, let me explain how it works: first, you scour your town’s more outlying pizza joints that you don’t normally frequent and you find yourself a decent looking delivery boy. Next, offer him $25 to compliment your wife and hit on her when he shows up with dinner the next night (you and your son will be off at the movies or some shit...). Ok, at this point, one of two things could happen- either she will pay for the pizza and tip the delivery boy well, OR… she’ll tip the delivery boy VERY well, and by tip I mean fuckee suckee! Hmmm, doesn’t sound too good to you?

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Now consider this: either outcome will result in guaranteed continuous sex for you because if she doesn’t tell you, she’ll feel guilty and/or sexy at thesame time which equates to voluntary surprise morning blowjobs, and hardcore porking! If she does tell you, JACKPOT! Not only do you incur the hot guilt sex, but you also get to grudge fuck her and you get a “free pass” on some strange!

 BOO-YA! No more fighting!                               

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This week Brian, Super Ugly and Dave try to rebound from the loss of "the real" episode 158 with this skype episode. The guys discuss the Oscar winners and recent events in their lives before getting waist deep into listener voicemails. The conversation leads them back into the past to the moments where their innocence was lost... and their lives of scumdillery began! It's another peek behind the curtain into the young lives of your favorite dirtbags.

Outro Music by Aloe Blacc.

Brought to you by Top Shelf Comics’ BB Wolf and the 3 LP’s.

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ASK: What should couples be aware of when the wife is pregnant, specifically when it comes to sex?

 

GRANT: Well you certainly don’t have to worry about your tiny penis jabbing the baby or anything! I would say, avoid the 36” double dong…and “fisting” is certainly a no-no (even though pre-stretching out of the area may seem like a good idea, it’s not necessary).

 

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Ummm…maybe also don’t use too much strawberry flavored sex lube, because through osmosis that might make your baby prematurely fat and difficult to squeeze through your old lady’s “hatchet wound”.

 

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Along the same lines- be aware of how much Banana Boat tanning oil you’re pouring on her and the shower curtain, as there’s the slight chance that the baby could fall out if you get too much in the cooz (that shit is SLIPPERY! ).

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Editor's Note: I am completely offended by this weeks column... and I don't even have a hatchet wound. See you next week!

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This week Dave and Ugly welcome the 2-Bit prodigal son, Brian Roberts, back into the fold for a freeball episode of epic proportion. The guys get hopped up on "Angry Juice" as Ugly discovers that he is uninsurable, voicemails lead to kinky role playing and the eternal Marvel vs. DC debate heats up. Plus, Oscar picks and fanmail from New Moon's biggest fan! It's another classic episode from the original TGS power trio.

Brought to you by Top Shelf Comics' BB Wolf and the 3 LP's.

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Words can't describe the awesomeness.

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This week, Grant takes a legitimate life changing move and does what he does best: perverts it.

ASK: I was working 10-12 hours a day 7 days a week, doing the jobs of three, but only getting paid for one. I asked for help and didn't get it.

I couldn't sleep, was having chest pains and anxiety attacks. Told them I was pissed and they didn't do anything about it so fuck em...

I quit my job earlier this month. I'm at peace for the first time in a long time, but...

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 I've got a wife and two kids. What should I do now?

 

GRANT: Dear Disgruntled Worker,

This seems like it's become more and more of a problem lately in this country as our economy stays face down in the mud. Take your local adult shop workers for example- not only do they have to run the registers and restock the 36" double dongs...now they have to mop jizz in the fun booths!

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In the past these were always two separate jobs, and do they get paid clerk AND jizz mopper wages? HELL NO! So, the question here is: what can be done to help one deal with this? Let me tell you kind sir, learn the fine art of The Gaffle. In an economy like this, the LAST thing you want to do is quit your job- you make your job work for YOU!

Anyways, so you've already fucked yourself and your family- nice job! But- all is not lost...when things turn shitty in this world, remember: you can ALWAYS turn to porn! No one has control of your cock but you and your wife, so use that fact to your advantage and exploit your sexiness for money!

There are all sorts of wonderful people out there who pay top dollar to watch you and your wife do sexual acts that you never thought you'd be doing! Amateur porn is an art form all it's own. If you're not an afficionado like myself, well, you both better start watching a hell of alot of it to familiarize yourself with the particulars! Lighting is your friend- even if you have only a shitty web cam or use your point and click camera in video mode, your money shots will still look great if you've spent the effort to make sure you have sufficient lighting!

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So here ya go, if you've already quit your shit job... send the kids to grandma's (or just put on a really loud movie), lock the bedroom door, and break out the Handy Cam!

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(remember two very important things: always shave your balls the day before….and, it stings hella bad when you get it in her eyes, so aim for the forehead!)

Um, great advice, Grant. So what have we learned from Grant this week? That anyone with a little ambition and a little cock can turn a dime as a filmmaker.

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