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ASK: My wife and I used to have sex at least 2-3 times a week, but ever since our first child Stephen was born almost two years ago, the well has run dry. We have sex MAYBE once every other month. Six times a year is not keeping me happy. We fight about it constantly, but nothing seems to help. What should I do?

GRANT: Two words  “The Accommodator”.  (google search that shit with the ‘safe filter’ off…) if this doesn’t get her going man, not much else will!

Now, you’ve neglected to tell me exactly WHY the “well has run dry”…most likely it’s because she’s feeling self conscious and not sexy anymore, well, nothing cures that problem better than a horny pizza delivery boy! WHAT?!? You say. Here, let me explain how it works: first, you scour your town’s more outlying pizza joints that you don’t normally frequent and you find yourself a decent looking delivery boy. Next, offer him $25 to compliment your wife and hit on her when he shows up with dinner the next night (you and your son will be off at the movies or some shit...). Ok, at this point, one of two things could happen- either she will pay for the pizza and tip the delivery boy well, OR… she’ll tip the delivery boy VERY well, and by tip I mean fuckee suckee! Hmmm, doesn’t sound too good to you?

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Now consider this: either outcome will result in guaranteed continuous sex for you because if she doesn’t tell you, she’ll feel guilty and/or sexy at thesame time which equates to voluntary surprise morning blowjobs, and hardcore porking! If she does tell you, JACKPOT! Not only do you incur the hot guilt sex, but you also get to grudge fuck her and you get a “free pass” on some strange!

 BOO-YA! No more fighting!                               

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ASK: What should couples be aware of when the wife is pregnant, specifically when it comes to sex?

 

GRANT: Well you certainly don’t have to worry about your tiny penis jabbing the baby or anything! I would say, avoid the 36” double dong…and “fisting” is certainly a no-no (even though pre-stretching out of the area may seem like a good idea, it’s not necessary).

 

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Ummm…maybe also don’t use too much strawberry flavored sex lube, because through osmosis that might make your baby prematurely fat and difficult to squeeze through your old lady’s “hatchet wound”.

 

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Along the same lines- be aware of how much Banana Boat tanning oil you’re pouring on her and the shower curtain, as there’s the slight chance that the baby could fall out if you get too much in the cooz (that shit is SLIPPERY! ).

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Editor's Note: I am completely offended by this weeks column... and I don't even have a hatchet wound. See you next week!

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This week, Grant takes a legitimate life changing move and does what he does best: perverts it.

ASK: I was working 10-12 hours a day 7 days a week, doing the jobs of three, but only getting paid for one. I asked for help and didn't get it.

I couldn't sleep, was having chest pains and anxiety attacks. Told them I was pissed and they didn't do anything about it so fuck em...

I quit my job earlier this month. I'm at peace for the first time in a long time, but...

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 I've got a wife and two kids. What should I do now?

 

GRANT: Dear Disgruntled Worker,

This seems like it's become more and more of a problem lately in this country as our economy stays face down in the mud. Take your local adult shop workers for example- not only do they have to run the registers and restock the 36" double dongs...now they have to mop jizz in the fun booths!

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In the past these were always two separate jobs, and do they get paid clerk AND jizz mopper wages? HELL NO! So, the question here is: what can be done to help one deal with this? Let me tell you kind sir, learn the fine art of The Gaffle. In an economy like this, the LAST thing you want to do is quit your job- you make your job work for YOU!

Anyways, so you've already fucked yourself and your family- nice job! But- all is not lost...when things turn shitty in this world, remember: you can ALWAYS turn to porn! No one has control of your cock but you and your wife, so use that fact to your advantage and exploit your sexiness for money!

There are all sorts of wonderful people out there who pay top dollar to watch you and your wife do sexual acts that you never thought you'd be doing! Amateur porn is an art form all it's own. If you're not an afficionado like myself, well, you both better start watching a hell of alot of it to familiarize yourself with the particulars! Lighting is your friend- even if you have only a shitty web cam or use your point and click camera in video mode, your money shots will still look great if you've spent the effort to make sure you have sufficient lighting!

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So here ya go, if you've already quit your shit job... send the kids to grandma's (or just put on a really loud movie), lock the bedroom door, and break out the Handy Cam!

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(remember two very important things: always shave your balls the day before….and, it stings hella bad when you get it in her eyes, so aim for the forehead!)

Um, great advice, Grant. So what have we learned from Grant this week? That anyone with a little ambition and a little cock can turn a dime as a filmmaker.

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ASK: My girlfriend is a nurse, and last weekend a group of her co-workers and I went for drinks. After several shots, my girlfriend and one of her fellow nurses started making out. At first I was a little put off, but I started kissing my girlfriend in a sexy kind of tug of war with the drunk broad, and she kind of got off on it. They both were kind of into it. It really got me to thinking that maybe I could pull an Ugly and have a threesome.

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 I know Super Ugly had had mixed results with his threesome, but I was wondering if you think I should go for it?

 

GRANT:  Pause...

 

*continued after short visit to the bathroom*

 

Sorry, I uh, had to uh, take care of something. Ok, the visuals on that were kinda hot (especially since I replaced you, with me…) Let me start by saying sir, you have a bit of ‘the Gay’ within you, if at ANY time you were put off even a little by that shit. Personally, I consider Super Ugly’s threesome a near perfect success. They did their thing on several different occasions and they are still happily married!

 

As for you and your latent homosexuality…I think you should let me do a test run with the girls and then I’ll get back to you on any possible threesome success you may, or may not have. And remember, females as a species are naturally inclined to have sex with each other…add booze to the equation…and as long as you’re not too gay, a three-way is almost a sure thing!

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This week, Grant gives you the 4-1-1 on making your ex-hoe into your current homemaker. Read on, Savantites...

ASK: A girl that cheated on me three years ago has come back into my life, and I'm a little wary of getting involved again. The sex was great, but she broke my heart. She was pretty unbalanced back then, but seems to be a lot more mature now. Should I try to rekindle what we had?

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GRANT: Ahhh, there’s nothing quite like “EX-Slut Sex”! I know you may still have some tender, caring feelings for this person…but what you need to do is SQUASH that shit way down, and just dwell on the hurt, heartbreak feeling still burning inside. Use that fire and the (hopefully) three years of honing the fine craft of being an asshole to women (‘cause we all know chicks only fall for assholes…) and really give it to her!

 

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Your newfound assertiveness coupled with your vengeful confidence will make her open all of her holes for you to use as you please!

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Just be mindful to pretty much always treat her like shit, she knows she deserves it… and as long as you do, you too can enjoy a long, happy, healthy relationship!

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Well there you have it. Another bit of wisdom from the only Geek Savant to bounce his junk onto a 50-year old's face. See you next week!

 

 

 

 

 

 

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 Week Two finds Grant playing cupid for a reader's penis. Read on, true believers...

Ask: I've been seeing my current girlfriend for almost six months, and we're happy for the most part. When we first started going out, she joked about how she doesn't "go down," but I just laughed it off. Like I said, it's been six months, and still no BJ. I've gone down on her a bunch, and she never reciprocates. Sure we have sex, but doesn't one good turn deserve another? How do I convince her to do the deed?

 

Grant: Look, first off…no girl “doesn’t go down”- they all do! Some just take a little more coaxing than others. Six months is FAR too long to go without a BJ.  Now, I was once in your situation…the female in question was called the “Chicken Lady” and she didn’t want to go downtown, I simply told her “well, I can’t get it up unless you do!”

 

EDITOR'S NOTE: If your girlfriend looked like a "chicken lady"... could you get it up?

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Needless to say…she went to work like a pro, AND did it the very next time without me having to ask her!

 

Remember, when girls get horny, they’re like cats, they desperately need to rub their pussies on something firm.

 

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 Sometimes all you need to do for your lady to swallow the cack is to swallow your pride, and/or dignity first!

 

Well, there you have it. Advice from a guy whose junk had been used as chicken feed. Join us next week when Grant tackles another heavy issue-- and I'm not talking about his wife!

See you next Friday!

 

 

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Welcome to the first installment of the Ask Grant column, where Grant Miller, certified nut job and family man will answer your scummiest questions free of charge!

ASK: If you had to seek revenge on someone what would be your "go to" scummy revenge move? Light their car on fire? Or piss in their gas tank?

GRANT: Those two work good when you're like, sixteen. For a more sophisticated and satisfying revenge move, I prefer to "personalize" the revenge if at all possible. If we're talking about a co-worker, you can keep a small container of your pee (preferably aged) nearby until the time is right to pour it in their coffee or other beverage.

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A mouse turd also works great in coffee because it will sink to the bottom only to be discovered after the last sip!

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And remember, you can never download enough gay and/or beastiality porn from their computer while they're at lunch.

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If you're looking to exact revenge on a friend, or better yet ex-friend, the sweetest revenge is sleeping with their sister... double points for the mom. Nothing says "Fuck you" better than someone who has done you wrong waking up to find their mom in the kitchen making you breakfast. Sure, they might be fighting angry, but will avoid conflict for fear of getting a royal beat down in front of their mother, making the revenge (and after sex glow) that much sweeter!

Well, there you have it. Join us next week as Grant trudges along on the road to enlightenment with his overbearing wife on his back and his children nipping at his heels like wild animals. Who knows... maybe Grant will unlock the secrets of the universe...

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